It sounds like you have had to fight your entire life

It’s impossible to find a passion when your mind is focused on surviving

To go on a date is scary, it’s letting someone in, letting yourself be vulnerable, not like a one night stand where you get everything you need without having to put yourself out there

You seem sad, like you are longing for human connection, I can see it in your eyes

Your days seem gray like you are moving through the motions

Never again will I turn ten,from Bumble Ardy the last of a truly amazing man’s work. I got so sad today when I heard the news about Maurice Sendak’s death. He was an old man, had lived a full life, his long time partner has been dead for some time. Awhile back I posted his interview with Terri Gross in what turned out to be his last interview. In it he talked about having everyone who is close to him leave his life one by one, he didn’t believe in any kind of life after death, no reincarnation, nada. I said a little prayer for him today hoping he found himself proved wrong.

In yoga tonight “never again will I turn ten” repeated over and over in my head. I will never be this age again, in this moment again, this alive again. Every moment that goes by I inch closer to my end we all do, and what does my life mean? What am I doing with it? I think I am finally ready to make the big change. I don’t want to live a mediocre life where I attempt to make it in what I think is my dream. Even if I got there what would I really be leaving behind? Think about Maurice Sendak, he was the most or at least one of the most acclaimed children books writers, and how long will he be remember a couple hundred years? So I am going to figure out what it is I am meant to do and do it because never again will I turn 27.

We had a woman come in today to be interviewed that lost her daughter to a heroine overdose in the 90s. And its weird and terrible, but because of people like her and the other 90s causalities it was one of the only drugs I never touched knowing with one taste you were hooked.  I wanted to tell her as she sat there explaining her organization, staring me in my eyes, telling me how hard it was to look at me. Do I look like she would have now?

Do you think that’s it? That somehow when life’s worse times seem like they make no sense, that you can’t understand why this would be part of the big plan and how could God, god let this happen, that somehow it does actually matter?

No prior to today I never knew an Angela Smith ever existed let alone died at 15 from a heroine overdose. But knowing that so many people did it kept me away from it and I got to survive, and maybe something I do or don’t do in my life will affect someone else, and they will touch someone, and the domino effect will continue. That we are all intricately woven together, but entirely seperate all at the same time.

Maybe not, maybe that is trying to be far too philosophical, but I now wish I would have told her that her tragedy maybe kept my mother from having a similar one.

Bath time and tears

I need a sweat lodge vision, and to stop the rut I’m in. I try to listen to my intuition and for that inner voice to guide me, but its so quiet and all I hear are a stream of questions, worries, and doubts. 

I want to find so love so bad it makes me sick. I’ve been waiting so long where is he, I know there is no perfect person, but must be one who is perfect for me.

Life is too short. Too much I want to do, too many lives I want to live. Get out of your head and put  your feet on the ground.

Let go of future pressures live in the present be happy where you are, but I don’t want to be complacent.

I hate being dramatic and so woe is me when real tradegy happens in the world. 

Daily reminders of gratitude.

I want to be happy, so do one thing a day that brings you joy.

I want to do good, so volunteer, help others, be kind, have compassion.

I want to be healthy, so be active, eat healthy, get sleep, drink less.

I want to be loved, so love yourself,  be open, love others.

I want to be knowledgeable, so read and educate yourself.

I want to feel peace, then mediate and pray, be still, calm, and quiet.

I want my life to be full, then fill it with all you desire.

I haven’t written in awhile, mostly because by the time I get home from work and then yoga its time for bed.

As I am sitting here now looking dinking around online, checking Tumblr, Pintrest, food blogs, which I seem to rarely do I got myself all worked up thinking about what I don’t have, what I want, wish I had, the list could go on forever, and it started to annoy me so much. Why is it sooo much easier to see the bad, complain, and focus on the negative, and not the good. I am guilty of this all the time, but I am trying to be better at it…not easy though.

I went home this past weekend for Easter, but mainly the holiday was an excuse to go home for a long weekend, be there for my mom and check in on my stepdad. He is doing remarkably better, and we are hoping that he will be walking by June. It’s so weird to hear my mom talk about what is a good day, how quickly our expectations and what we consider important changes. 

I LOVE being home. I feel safe, taken care of, like a kid. I let my guard down and don’t worry. Its one of the only places I don’t feel judge and where I don’t judge myself, where I just am, and I can just be. So tough to come home and adjust to an apartment, noise, work, and taking on responsibility again. 

I am getting anxious about my new job, already. I like it, I think its a great idea, product, whatever, but I just wish it would just happen. I signed onto this thing under the understanding that it would be launching in April, then May, now June…and I have to be honest with the way things are run I don’t know how realistic that is. I don’t want to call it quits and start looking for a new gig already, but I didn’t join this thing because parenting is my passion…I did it because I thought that being there at the inception of a brand new TV concept and show was a once and a lifetime opportunity. I believe that the ideas are good enough to get there, but I just don’t know when. I must be one of the most impatient people in the world, but I don’t want to waste my time either. I wish I had a personal seer.